At our recent meeting there was a frisson moment of excitement and anticipation (something most members had not experienced for some time).
The Chairman announced that for once he remembered what was decided at the last meeting, and we would discuss and decide on a political manifesto, so that we could project ourselves as a party at the next General Election. “But first” he said, “we need a motto”.
It was at this early stage of the meeting that there was a blatant attempt by two of our clever clogs to try to impress on the others their depth of learning and they started quoting numerous Latin expressions and giving their definitions. Translated examples such as “you are never too old to learn something stupid” or “if you keep both feet on the ground you can’t take your trousers off” were easily rejected. However, “Murmurabant ergo ei serve,” meaning “ To grumble, To serve” seemed to be satisfactorily appropriate and was accepted.
Next the manifesto, where a number of subjects were discussed, some seriously and others with a mischievous hint of provocation.
DEFENCE After a member had put forward a lengthy list of the requirements needed to patrol and control the rest of the world, he was told that we are really no longer the British Empire, and that we should simply continue to be nice to America. And anyway the next wars would be computer wars. This pleased one of the members because he had just bought one, although so far he hadn’t been able to switch it on and may have to resort to reading the instructions.
TERRORISM We all agreed that if someone told us how wonderful things would be (i.e. martyrdom, family fortunes and numerous physical pleasures awaiting in heaven) if we blew up certain groups of people, we would say to them “If it’s that good why don’t you do it?” We would make every effort to catch the evil cowards who persuade ignorant and vulnerable young people to carry out these acts. And when we had caught them, we would put them is a specially made cell and tell them that at any time a bomb might go off. Provide them minimum food requirements and throw in an old copy of the Daily Mail from time to time.
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT The general feeling was that if you commit the crime you get the punishment, and there was a wide range of old, novel but certainly severe ideas as to what that punishment would be. One example would be for the burglar who threatens, or attacks the occupant and then ransacks the house. He would be put in cell with all the latest T.Vs and Hi-Fi gadgets, lots of drinks, food, cash and mobile phone. Then in the middle of the night someone would come in, beat the living daylights out of him and take everything away. He would then be provided with minimum food requirements, have and old copy of the Daily Mail thrown in, and a visitation from the Police who would eventually give him a crime number, tell him he should have made his property more secure and that “the burglars would be certain to return sometime soon”
There was a strong feeling that more attention should be given to victims and not the perpetrators.
BREXIT Inevitably the word referendum was mentioned and a member asked the usual question “ Should we have another one when we know the result of the Brexit negotiations” This is the Remoaners position which means “lets keep having one until we get the result we want and then that’s the final one.” Perhaps when we get elected we could have more referendums on such things as Trident, Scottish Independence and whether there should be same- sex partners on Strictly Come Dancing.
CHOICE OF CANDIDATE Unanimously agreed that he should have a white beard. Two members have and no doubt many others will now start growing theirs.
The situation now rests with you dear readers. If at least 300 of you write to the Paper and offer your support we’ll be up and running. Well, perhaps more like walking as fast as we can.